5 Tips for gaining self-confidence

5 Tips for gaining self-confidence I  think I  am finally going to  have a  reality TV  show. I  have had  maybe ten production companies  tell me  they want to  do  some kind of  TV show with  me. And all ten have backed out at  various stages of  making the show. So  I  have learned that dealing with  TV people is  like dealing with rich bankers who can buy any woman they want. I  know it  will probably be  a  one-night stand when they realize that I  am weirder in  person than on  my  blog. Do  you know how  I know that I’m weirder in  person than on  my  blog? Because I  ask people. I  ask people all the  time about how they perceive me  and what they expect and if  I meet expectations. You might think it  sounds insecure, but it  doesn’t. Because most people are scared to  ask so  direct a  question. They are scared of  the answer. I  have found, though, that the more  I know about how other people perceive  me, the more self-confident I  feel about who I  am. Because I  know who I  am. I  think self-confidence doesn’t come so  much from knowing you’re great as  just knowing who you are. Everyone is  great for something, anyway. I  mean,  there are 16  personality types. Each has strengths.  You can get more self-knowledge by  clicking  the link on  the sidebar of  this blog  that says self-knowledge. It’s the biggest category on  the blog because it’s where  I put all the posts where I’m having a  breakdown and telling you  it’s not a  breakdown but a  learning moment.  You can also learn about getting more self-confidence right now. Here are five things I’ve learned from years of  focusing on  it:. 1. Risk looking stupid in  order to  learn what you look like. One reality show production company has stuck around. Now they are coming to  my  house to  film. The Farmer, of  course, hates that. He  says he  won’t talk to  them. But I  think he  will. I  am hoping he  will think it’s really high quality TV. My  TV  liaison, or  whatever you call this person, tells me  that the show is  about how I’m a  fish out of  water. Then I  say I  am not out of  water but fitting in  really well. Probably then she adds a  laugh track. She was interviewing me  over Skype, with my  kids. My  son was talking about his  Bionicles, and  I was thinking, “Fuck. We  will never get a  reality show because  I can’t do  small talk  and my  son can’t stop  talking in  lists.” So  I  told him, “You can tell her about the other Bionicle, but no  lists. You can’t tell her a  list.” So  I  am spending all this energy trying to  make  us look not so  Aspergery that people are put off. And whoever is  editing the video cuts out all the stuff like this until she has a  how-to about raising kids with Aspergers. I  was going to  say no  to  this reality show because why would  I want someone else telling my  story when  I already tell my  story here, on  this blog? But it’s interesting to  see my  story reflected back to  me. I  think, actually, that’s what I  like. I  like to  see myself reflected back to  me, through someone else’s vision, so  I can see who I  am. 2. Control how other people see you by  caring about other people. When I  was a  reporter for the Boston Globe, I  once interviewed Bernardo Carducci, the head of  the  Shyness Research Institute, and he  said that most people are not clinically shy. They are just nervous about what other people think of  them. That’s not shyness. That’s insecurity. He  went on  to  give great advice about how to  make conversation by  asking people about themselves. But the read advice he  was giving was to  get a  handle on  what other people think about you when they meet you. If  you ask them questions and are genuinely interested in  what they have to  say, then they will think you are interesting. So  we  are, actually, able to  understand what people think of  us if  we  are really careful about moderating how we  appear to  people. It’s no  coincidence that  high achievers are also high self-moderators. That  is, people who are successful understand very well how other people perceive them and they adjust accordingly. Rob Toomey, my  favorite personality type consultant, once explained it  to  me  this way: Every personality type has weaknesses. The key is  to  mitigate those as  much as  possible. I’m an  ENTJ, and he  told me  I need to  care about other peoples’ feelings. This is  hard for  me. Especially because  I also have Asperger’s. So  I  find myself asking people directly what the expression on  their face means so  that  I know what they think of  what  I just said. 3. Let other people tell your story. I’m going to  introduce you to  James Maher. I  love love love his  street photography. So, when  I was in  NYC with my  kids  I had him trail  us for a  day, taking pictures, and the pictures are amazing. You should hire him to  do  that for you. James has a  gift for documenting life in  NYC. What I  loved was seeing my  family through his eyes. Because it’s not how  I see  us, but  I like how he  saw  us. And  there is  not really one way to  see yourself. So  if  you let other people tell the story of  you, you see yourself really differently. It’s actually exactly the same thing I  do  when  I rewrite someone’s resume. They can only see one way to  tell the story of  their career, so  they think their resume doesn’t work for what they want to  do. But I  can see 50  stories of  their career because I’m on  the outside. Having James take photos of  our family is  like that. He  widens my  view of  how  I see  us. 4. Say your story out loud all the time, to  see if  it  sticks. The best way to  change how you see yourself is  to  tell new stories  about how you got to  where you are. Research shows that this is  the best way to  get through a  divorce and it’s the best way to  instigate a  career change. Our stories about ourselves are our paths to  self-knowledge. The people we  allow to  help  us tell the stories help  us walk that path. But there are also people who tell  us our stories are stupid. They are the people at  a  cocktail party who excuse themselves because we  bored them. They are the job interviewers who don’t hire  us because we  sound incompetent. The  Harvard Business Review  has great research about the importance of  stories.  Made to  Stick  is  a  great book about how to  craft stories, and  The Interview QA  is  the practical application of  the skill  â€" so  that you can use your stories to  change your life. 5. Self-delusion is  good. Sometimes. I  love this  post by  Scott Young about why self-delusion is  beneficial. He  traces self-delusion from an  evolutionary perspective and explains that we  can project who we  want to  be  more effectively if  we  are a  little self-delusional. This rings true to  me. It’s the scientific basis for the saying “Fake it ’til you make  it.” The stories you tell about yourself can create the life you want for yourself. You can call it  self-delusion or  you can call it  self-knowledge. There’s a  really fine line. But if  you’re working hard to  live your best life, you’ll find both sides of  that line fascinating. Which is  why I’m able to  let the reality  TV people come to  my  house in  two weeks to  film. I  can tell myself that they won’t wreak havoc on  my  life and that  I will be  the person  I want to  be  on  TV. And, of  course, I’m telling myself the show will actually happen. Which might be  the biggest self-delusion of  all.